man.....i forgot all abt tis BLOG!
haha.....fret not....i have return......kayz tis are the event tat r recent....and just for the info....the band thing never happen...(bunch of asses)...-_- just never contact loh!
haiz....nvm......now the latest blogs
October 7 2002 Time 1:32am
Man…. Tests again! Argh…stress…
Haha…but must study and endure. CA is damn tough…hope I can fully understand the sample CCT questions quick. Other subjects are ok…only CA is the killer module. The last week was ok…things with Crystal are slow…she is responding…but still things r not back to normal. It’s ok…I can still wait…meanwhile I show care n concern through small small things. Maybe I should give her a little something
Haha…
I have already plan on what I should give her for Christmas. A handmade lamp! Haha…buy the $2.90 lamp and slowly deco it up…keke…fun! =)
Haiz…so bored…when I wan company there is no one. Derek, Kaiwen and David are in NS…. The rest busy. Hmmm…. anyway exams coming soon…best to study now…
KAyz…. need to sleep already….crap more later…NitEz!
LOVE AND PEACE!
01 October 2002 Time 12:21am
Heyo…
Felt lousy again today…a sudden confidence attack to my heart. Haiz…just feel so weak n useless…
The whole day I tried 2 be around her…. but the atmosphere was still weird n awkward. As usual she didn’t really talk much and I find it hard 2 talk too. Despite how I tell myself to talk more to her…it just felt weird.
Then I accompany her home…hoping tat with both of us alone…. maybe something will change. It was ok at the start..But once she talked about her shopping trip with cheng san. My mind kept thinking how come I could not be like him…. And my heart sank an all time low when she told me tat he’s coming to he home to cook for her.
Silence…
All I could do was nod n make some comments…. But when I wanted to talk to her how I feel about magnum and about how I can’t click with people. She just kept quiet and didn’t really hear what I said.
My heart breaks at that stage.
She had virtually set up a barrier…and this is not the first time I have crashed into it. It hurts so much…
After she alighted…my mind was in a daze…she has totally ignored me and I felt like a condemn man.
My entire being was so numb and a torrent of emotions threatens to overwhelm me. I kept thinking…have I made the right decision to even LIKE her? At that point I really felt like giving up. But I was lucky to have Debbie to pour my heart out to…. Or else I don’t really know what will I do.
Haiz…now I really understand why I didn’t really go all out after my past crushes. I was afraid of being hurt…. Hurt until it was beyond for me to bear. My heart has too many scars….
Haiz…wat will happen in the future I won’t know…but I will persevere no matter wat the outcome.
Although my heart will bleed…but it’s better to deny my feelings towards her.
In my shallow sleep I dreamt of seeing you...A feeling tat nothing has changed...Your presence close beside me till I wake.
28 September 2002 Time 2:01am
Yoz…yet another boring day has passed. YAWNZ. Correction…make that a cold AND boring day…ha ha ha. So cold! Cannot take it…one thing I cannot stand is being cold. Haha…. Makes me want to stay in bed the whole day zzzzz…haha….make tis entry short n sweet.
24 September 2002 Time 1:35am
Man…I’m been too lazy to update this journal for the past few days. But finally I managed to get my butt down and here I’m typing away again. Just wan 2 summarize all these past few weeks into a nutshell.
Basically it has been a roller coaster ride main on my love life (yes…finally liking someone again since Peiyan).
Had my eye on Crystal since she came in for magnum training plus a few other freshies…heh heh. But it was her that left me with the deepest impression…just din know why. She is pretty and most likely, her youthful attitude and bubbly nature attracted me during Lenny’s house warming party. After I managed to get her number. Everything went like a dream, talking to her on the phone and mostly IRC almost everynight. Talking everything…telling her about my past and she telling me her problems.
This was to me THE most I had ever done with the girl I liked.
Normally it will be some half-hearted attempt at sms to the girl or talking to her. Then it will lapse into silence, as I don’t really know how 2 approach her. BAM…before you know it she’s got a boyfriend or the feeling dies. Leaving me to curse at my own stupidity and lack of balls and charm. With my self-confidence deflated, I will avoid all involvement with females.
Maybe it’s this vicious cycle during secondary school, together with low self-esteem fueling it has made me today. Haiz…that’s another thing for my next rambling, back to the topic
As I was saying…it was a dream. And it gotten better when Audrey asked if I liked her..it took an awkwardly long time before I replied yes to her in IRC. Then she said tat Crystal likes me too! My head spun…my heart hammered hard in my chest. SHE LIKES ME!
These three words kept bouncing around in my head…I felt light-headed and warm. I don’t want this sensation to fade. Ever since that day, I was overflowing with joy….till Audrey’s birthday chalet.
I never imagine that mostly everyone knows about how I have feelings for her (I guessed everyone can see tat). And because of that I became self-conscious and never really talked much to her. She too must have notice but choose to ignore it (even during that photo that Audrey took). But the final straw came during the truth and dare…when I had to say in front of everyone who’s my current crush in the chalet. The words just couldn’t come out and in the end. They rephrase the question into is she wearing pink now (and Crystal WAS in a pink top). I dumbly nodded and say yes….it was so artificial…and not the way I wanted to say to her. Then she was given a dare and she had to kiss me on the lips.
Argh…I was so embarrassed and so was she. But a dare was a dare and we did the deed. After that she never talked to me (and I didn’t talked to her coz I was so embarrassed). And that one whole day I just did not know how to msg her. When I finally did, she didn’t reply…which was really rare, for she always replies to me immediately. My heart sank…and that familiar burning sensation in my chest began. And for a day or two, we never contacted each other.
When we finally did…it was different. Her replys are now short and to the point, unlike last time where I can feel her bubbly self through the sms. And during trainings we spoke little…there was sometime wrong with her.
Later I came to know that she can’t really forget her ex-boyfriend and she is holding back her feelings. Deborah and Audrey told me to give her time. But it was so unbearable…to see someone I like treating me so distant. In the end I confess about how I felt about her. For a moment she was silent, then she said let nature take it’s own course. What is meant to be will be and what is not will not be. My heart sank yet again and Deborah say I was to rash and said I should had given her more time.
David and Derek said I should now show care and concern to her and win her trust. Man…really appreciate them…without them I will be even more lost.
Haiz…I really don’t know how will it end. But I really hope at least I won’t lose her as a friend.
And my feelings for her are true….
Ha….sound so pathetic….heh
Time flies and it’s getting late now…rambling for today is concluded with a little postal script
Opening my heart and it breaks in to pieces even now, I still don't know love,
I still don't know love, why?
Is it true that I've never had that feeling,
I've never had that feeling at all?
Constant love I want to know,
I want to know, softy opened, that feeling, that feeling I want to embrace.
And these Pieces of my heart will fly back to say; “ I LOVE YOU “
20 September 2002 Time 2:47am
Haha…. can’t really believe tat I’m writing again. Maybe I’m inspired by Deborah! (thanks a bunch…^_^)
Haiz…so much has happened in during 21 years of my life…best to keep a record of my thoughts and feelings. Nothing much has changed this 21 year…maybe I turn a little wiser, a little older (duh) and a little more understanding.
Of what you may ask….
Understanding my family situation, why it turns out to be like this. I dun blame Dad for it…I know how lonely it is not to have a special someone that you can share your life with. Really glad that He has found tat someone and my best wishes to Him. I hope I can just open up more to them, but it’s really difficult…. I pray that time will settle it. But till now not much progress cause I never open up, maybe it’s my nature.
I Love you Dad no matter what, although you never said much or talk to me. I know you have the best interest for me and you love to me is real and always there ^_^
Understanding the art of people and relations…sure I was not really good with communicating with people.
Even expressing myself through words is extremely tough…just can’t find the right words to use. Sometimes I hate myself for tat disability, but I slowly I realized it’s not about how you talk but how do u listen matters. People will rather have someone to listen to their woes n problems rather then someone whose mouth is flapping all the time…haha
Lastly but still in progress, understanding myself. I haven’t been able to come to terms with myself all these time. Don’t really like to see myself in pictures…mostly quiet rather been unseen and keeping to the background.
All my doubts and insecurity floods my mind constantly…only music sooths me. I’m quite pessimistic really…even though I try to act positive. My mood is like the weather…. changes so often, at one time I can be happy and chatty…. then later whoosh…I get all moody and silent.
How I deal with all this crap is constant flushing of my mind…I will just sleep and in the morning I will feel much better. But this sleep is shallow…and sometimes I lapse into it again. Just no outlet for it.
I have plenty of friends, a bunch of good friends and a handful of buddies (brothers and sisters included!).
But I feel alone and lonely at times of need…why? Sometimes just felt so alone…no one to share my feelings, doubts and thoughts. My mind just rotted away… and there’s a burning pain in my chest.
I just need some understanding…haiz…Haha…ain’t me just the whinner.
Haha…. but all these are ramblings, if I succumb to all this I won’t be here now. I have to carry on fighting for myself ^_^. Man…getting late now gonna end now cya tml!
Time though the rain has set me free, Sands of time will keep your memory
Love everlasting fades away, Alive within your beatless heart
Dry your tears with Love.
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